A Few Recommendation to Stop Airborne Terrorism

A Few Recommendations to Stop Airborne Terrorism

Written after the Attacks of September 11, 2001

Idea #1: Enhanced Profiling and Compensation

Airport security checkpoints should implement aggressive profiling of Middle Eastern-looking travelers, particularly bearded young men. Unshaved women should also be subject to increased scrutiny.

Screening Procedures: Qualified profilers will tap the shoulders of suspicious passengers. These individuals will then undergo rigorous, intrusive screening and interrogation, while other passengers in line are encouraged to give them dirty looks and openly ridicule them for their "inappropriate national origin" and "funky names."

Cleared profiled travelers, however, must be properly compensated for this violation of their constitutional rights. Their seats are to be upgraded to first-class at no charge, including complimentary in-flight meals (featuring Halal meat) and non-alcoholic beverages of their choice.

Should the implementation of Idea #1 fail to mitigate the terrorism threat, it would become evident that Middle Eastern individuals are more dangerous than previously thought. In that case, we proceed to the next idea.

Idea #2: Comprehensive Flight Ban and Alternative Transportation

Ban all Middle Eastern people from flying entirely. Recognizing that this preventative measure may cause minor inconvenience for some of our fellow citizens, and to accommodate their travel needs, whenever young Middle Eastern men book flights, a healthy mule—with a sufficient supply of hay—must be shipped to their address free of charge by FedEx within 48 hours as an alternate mode of transportation. (Note: Each mule must be equipped with inflatable safety vests for transatlantic travelers).

If, God forbid, after taking all these precautions, airborne terrorism still occurs, it will be evident that the evildoers have undergone major reconstructive surgery to alter their facial features, thus tricking airport facial recognition devices. In that dire circumstance, we must leave Muslims and Middle Eastern people alone and suspect everyone else as follows:

Idea #3: Universal Extreme Profiling

Profile the hell out of anyone who does not resemble Middle Eastern young men, including but not limited to the following: white-haired nanas with thick glasses carrying apple pie, blind Jewish Rabbis with asthma, Buddhist monks in colorful outfits, exotic dancers with fake breasts sitting in wheelchairs, pregnant women with triplets whose water is about to break, barking hyperactive Cocker Spaniels in cages, and even the body of a dead uncle in a casket being transported to Russia. The aforementioned prime suspects must undergo intrusive background checks, pat-downs, and cavity searches, with no exception.

If the above steps fail to neutralize the threat, then consider the ultimate solution.

Idea #4: Sedated Air Travel

Put all air travelers to sleep for the duration of the flight. Before takeoff, all passengers must be administered sleeping pills. A sedative suppository must be given to non-cooperative travelers. This security measure offers financial savings for airlines and reduces airfare, as there would no longer be any need for flight attendants to throw peanut bags at passengers.

Finally, as a last-ditch effort to prevent violence against innocent civilians in particular, and to create a safer world for everyone, follow the next idea:

Idea #5: Paradigm Shift

The United States must cease meddling in the internal affairs of other countries and abandon the detrimental habit of invading and occupying nations under false pretenses. Additionally, actively supporting people’s struggles for democracy instead of flirting with dictators in the Middle East would significantly help make skies safer for all.