Illegal Aliens

Damn Illegal Aliens

It is not fair to condemn only illegal aliens to eternal damnation; let’s be all-inclusive and declare, “Damn all aliens, legal and illegal alike.”

This equal-opportunity curse covers all immigrants regardless of their race, gender, religion, or national origins. Profanity, much like health insurance, is better when it’s comprehensive with no deductible. Therefore, let’s further expand the coverage and damn all immigrants and their ancestors, at least up to three generations.

Preventive Damnation: People with green cards, guest workers, foreign delegates, and tourists are equally covered. In general, anyone who is on U.S. soil at any time and for any reason is automatically damned. Under this policy, foreign passengers in our international airports who carry valid transit visas are also damned (if the layover is longer than the grace period of three hours).

Now that this universal coverage is properly explained, let’s discuss the terms and conditions. Needless to say, like any other health insurance policy, this curse coverage has its own exclusions, deductibles, co-pays, and annual out-of-pocket costs.

First of all, this damnation only covers the head of the family, spouse, and children under 18 who live with their parents. Children older than 18 years of age may be damned under a different damnation policy through college, university, or employment.

Secondly, only immediate family is damned. Family members who do not reside in the U.S. are not covered. Proof of residency is required to receive the damn coverage.

One might ask why we should provide such damn costly coverage for damn aliens? Although this is a naive question, it deserves a clever response. Allow me to explain.

Every election year, the topics of immigration and healthcare are two top priorities for presidential candidates, and this “Damn Aliens” slogan covers both topics in one shot. The implementation of this dreamlike slogan is not only politically correct but is morally justified. No wonder the young generation is so excited this election. Everyone is hungry for change.

Besides, there are a host of historical imperatives that morally obligate us to believe in an alien damnation policy. Let’s study some undeniable historical facts.

The USA may not be called the cradle of civilization—this title has already been given to Middle Eastern countries we occupied—yet we can rightfully claim we are the invaders of these cradles. We are the ones who yanked them down; therefore, historically, we are more relevant than the cradles themselves. Yes, we’re playing an important role in human civilization.

The white race was pure until Christopher Columbus spotted Indians on this land with their funny costumes, face make-up, and feather hats. As much as we were amused by their dance of fire, we were annoyed by their claim of ownership on every piece of real estate they were dancing on. This was the first time we realized our national security was under attack and our way of life was threatened. We had no choice but to eliminate the threat, and we did. For a detailed account of how the native aliens of this land were exterminated, open American history books, refer to Hollywood Western movies to watch the entertaining version of this project, and investigate FBI files to study the step-by-step cleansing operations of the natives.

However, after we had properly removed the threat of damn Indian nations, as a friendly gesture, we promoted each and every remaining Indian to a Native American and sent them all to reservations to live happily ever after—until we needed them to go to war for us.

That was not, however, our only encounter with the damn aliens. The white settlers woke up one morning and witnessed the dark, shackled aliens getting off ships from Africa looking for jobs. They warmly welcomed "niggers"—at that time it was not politically correct to call them blacks—and magnanimously accepted them as slaves with a full benefit package.

Unfortunately, after blacks settled down and enjoyed secure employment on our farmlands, they asked for a modest salary increase and emancipation. After a couple of hours of negotiations and a long, bloody civil war, they finally got their emancipation, but that salary increase was out of the question; to this day, we still don’t budge on that.

Some whites are perplexed why their ancestors did not exterminate black aliens like the red ones. Truth be told, we did try; we made a conscious effort for centuries to physically eliminate them, but they were much tougher than native aliens. So, instead of extermination, we tried a different approach called assimilation. How do we know blacks were properly assimilated and wouldn’t pose a threat to our authority? We knew when one of them had a dream once and told everyone about it. After this black leader, like many others, was mysteriously assassinated, we figured out how to assimilate "niggers"; we upgraded their social status and called them African Americans so they too could vote for us and go to wars.

During this process of alien assimilation, however, we also evolved as a nation. We learned that white elites don’t have to be physically in power to rule. As long as this ship is going in our direction, why should it matter who’s at the helm? We even once elected an African American president. Yes, we too, have adjusted to these cultural changes to perpetuate our superiority. Our unique ability to attract, absorb, and assimilate all sorts of damn aliens is our most precious asset and the secret of our success. Our history shows that assimilated aliens have a propensity to promote and protect our interests much better than ourselves.

After welcoming the red and black aliens, we faced millions of yellow and brown ones. One may wonder, why? Why are these new aliens rushing to our country? Maybe because they suffer from nightmares we created for them in their old countries by engaging in perpetual wars. That’s how we spread democracy, either by wars or by the good works of the World Bank and CIA. To learn more about the CIA-crafted nightmares in other countries, one must wait about 30 years to access the classified files through our free media outlets; we figured this is the time required for Americans to call coup d'états, bombardments, and assassinations of foreign leaders, invasions, and occupations simply "past mistakes."

Based on our experiences, we believe aliens must be given only two choices: assimilation or deportation. Since we also know they show interest in neither, therefore, we must damn all aliens, regardless of their residency status.